one might say we're banned from that church
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
is that a dick in a sweater?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
