soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
