I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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