i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
