What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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