Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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