how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
