We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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