My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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