I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
