he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
