My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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