You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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