i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
