The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
