I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
