You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
MIDGETS
????
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize