piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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