what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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