I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
