Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize