apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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