Soap is not a condiment
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
