between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
be right there i have to get my cape
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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