I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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