I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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