FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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