Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
