I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
