i robbed the continental breakfast last night
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
