Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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