i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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