I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
