You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
