your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
