Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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