dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I cut my penus on the lid.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
