Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
