She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
