I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
