I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
