I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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