This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
