I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
