Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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