Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
