I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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