Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
