Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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