yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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