Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
