All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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