Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
