Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
