i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
