so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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